So I live with this person who likes to watch Titanic, as well as the Wolfgang Peterson remake of Poseidon, over and over and over again. And over again. And so I too have watched over and over again as Mlle. Titanic the debutante munches thoughtfully on an icecube and decides to emcee a rousing round of King of the Mountain for her 2,223 guests. And I’ve watched over and over again as a rogue wave rolls Lady Poseidon over on her back as if to see what happens. Answer: She gets screwed. Read the rest of this entry »

The key to Robert Zemeckis’s recent film Beowulf is to understand that it’s an old man’s story. Not so much a story about an old man, as the sort of story an old man would want to tell the youngsters around him. And not a story told by just any old man, but by one with a great sense of humor, a great sense of regret, and a great memory of what it’s like to be young. Read the rest of this entry »

“While we scoff at them, what we don’t realize is that these shamans, in speaking of ’spirit,’ are using ’spirit’ to describe a highly complex and technical reality, much the same way that physicists use the term ‘quark.’ ” -Terence McKenna, reconstructed from memory. Read the rest of this entry »

Dave Toschi: And man is the most dangerous animal of all?
Arthur Leigh Allen: That’s the whole point of the story. Read the rest of this entry »

Hornless Unicorn Studios, in coordination with Human Dwarf Productions and Virgin Rum & Coke Entertainment, presents a Wingless Fairy Film. Several, actually. If you read the following and realize you’d like to turn one of these ideas into a living breathing movie, by all means go for it. Read the rest of this entry »

If you were bound by blackmail to represent an insane cult for the duration of your natural life, but you had regular access to audiences numbering in the millions, you’d sneak out a few hints about your desperate situation, just like these folks. Read the rest of this entry »

“A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company.” - Charles Evans Hughes Read the rest of this entry »

“Guns will make us powerful; butter will only make us fat.” -Hermann Goering Read the rest of this entry »

“Joy is the serious business of heaven.” -C.S. “Not Carl” Lewis

“There will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.” -Jesus “Not Quintana” Christ Read the rest of this entry »

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” -Jesus “Not Quintana” Christ Read the rest of this entry »

A lot of people ask me why I don’t play more video games. Read the rest of this entry »

“Irrationality is the square root of all evil.” -Douglas Hofstadter. Read the rest of this entry »

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” -E. B. White Read the rest of this entry »

If you’d asked me yesterday what I thought of mime, I’d have told you, the art of mime is cliched, creatively bankrupt, and frankly unfathomable, both as a form of entertainment, on the one white-gloved hand, and as a career choice, on the other.    Read the rest of this entry »

Behold, the Ultimate Video Store Classification System (a thousand billion fanana-fana-fo-fillion kudos to anyone who can guess what kind of business I manage): Read the rest of this entry »