For those not familiar, a Burns Supper is one of several thousand suppers held annually on or around January 25th and serving to honor the life of Scottish poet Robert Burns with a mix of wit, whiskey, ritual, and revelry.  My friend attended one last year, and another this year,  the 250th year of the Burns Supper.  For both occasions, he recruited my services in writing a loyal toast–the first toast of a Burns night, directed customarily at the ruler of the nation in which the supper is held. 

The following, then, I penned as loyal toasts to, or roasts of, Presidents George W. Bush and Barack H. Obama, respectively.  May they entertain, as much as stale political commentary can, and, more probably, come in handy as inspiration for future Burnsian toasters.

2008 Loyal Toast to Dubya:

HERE’S TO THE PIOUS, GLORIOUS AND IMMORTAL MEMORY OF THE GREAT AND GOOD DECIDER OF CRAWFORD, WHO SAVED US FROM TERRORISTS AND TERRORISM, SUSPICIOUS INDIVIDUALS AND INDIVIDUALISM, ROT AND EROTICISM, THOUGH NEVER SPOONERISMS, SOLECISMS, OR SCHISMS, WHO LIKE A FAITHFUL HOUND BROUGHT FORTH UNTO OUR COLLECTIVE PORCH THE OPULENT SWAG OF A SKEWERED AND HUMILIATED ARAB NATION, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY LESSER FETCHINGS FROM THE LAND OF THE AFGHANS.

AND WHOEVER DENIES THIS TOAST MAY HE BE EXTRAORDINARILY RENDERED, TENDERED, AND INDEFINITELY OFFENDERED INTO THE BELLY OF SOME GODLESS ARAB STATE - AND THE STATE INTO A GLASSY EXPANSE OF GENTRIFIED REAL ESTATE - AND THE REAL ESTATE INTO AN UNLIMITED SKYLINE OF AMERICAN-BRAND OIL RIGS, AND THE OIL RIGS PATROLLED FOREVER BY THE BIONIC SONS OF THE UNION, INFINITELY INDENTURED, AND THE REVENUES IN A BONESMAN’S POCKET.   MAY WE NEVER LACK A JELLYFISH IN THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT’S CHAIR, AND A SPECTER IN THE HALLS OF CONGRESS TO PUT UP A GHOST OF A FIGHT, AND A WAL-MART SHOPPER PULLING THE DIEBOLD LEVER, AND MAY OUR MIGHTY DECIDER PROVE, IN THE LARGE-PRINT PAGES OF A SEVERELY RETARDED FUTURE HISTORY, TO HAVE LED US DIRECTLY INTO THE HEART OF ARMAGEDDON.   HEIL HALIBURTON!

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Not to be outdone, here’s the 2009 Loyal Toast to Obama:

HERE’S TO THE INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY, OF LANDS BOTH BREEZY AND BLISTERY, OF TONGUES BOTH JAVAN AND JIVE, UN VISAGE DE SANGFROID IN THE FACE OF BLACKFACED FATWAS AND IN THE FACE OF BALDFACED FRAUD A BLACKBERRIED BODHISATTVA, WHO SHALL CALL US IN FROM RECESS AND RECESSION, SHALL CALL TO SESSION A NEW CLASS OF COOLNESS, AND SCHOOL US AGAIN ABOUT CONS AND CONSTITUTIONS, AND TUTOR US ON TORT REFORMS, AND OFFER FORMAL RETORTS TO THE TORTUOUS LOGICS OF TORTURE MEMOS AND TRAGICALLY LOST EMAILS. 

AND WHOEVER UNDOES HIS DUTIES, BEGRIMES HIS BEAUTIES, OR DISTRACTS HIS DEPUTIES, MAY HE BE CAUGHT IN THE COGS OF DUE PROCESS, AND THE COGS CAUGHT ON THE FINEST POINTS OF JURISPRUDENCE, AND THE JURIES GROOMED WITH THE FINE TOOTHED COMB OF CONSCIENCE, AND THE VERDICT APT, AND THE POPULACE RAPT, THE INNER WORKINGS WEBCAST THROUGH THE BLUE-TOOTHED TOOLS OF U.S. 2.0.   AND THOSE TOOLS POWERED BY TEN MILLION WIND TOWERS, AND THOSE TOWERS UNTOUCHED BY TERRORISTS OR FREAK TORNADOES OR TIMBERED BY NAMBY-PAMBY NIMBY NABOBS WHO CONFUSE THEIR YARD FOR THEIR GOD.  AND MAY THIS CURSE GO DOUBLE FOR THOSE WHO CIRCLED HIS NAME ON THE BALLOT, AND TRIPLE FOR THOSE INSIDE HIS CIRCLE, AND QUADRUPLE FOR THOSE INSIDE HIS OVAL, AND QUINTUPLE FOR THE ONE INSIDE HIS SKULL.   GOD SAVE US IF HE FALL!

Tags: fun

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